“What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? / The world would split open.”
Poet Muriel Rukeyser

Monday, November 27, 2006

Lord, open our lips

These days my life revolves around two things: praying the daily office and IV therapy. The IV therapy takes about 40 minutes start to finish; cleaning and prepping, flushing with saline, connecting the port in my arm to the port carrying the antibiotic, waiting 30 minutes for the antibiotic to be delivered into my body, and then flushing with saline (to keep the line open and clear) again. Although this process is becoming more routine it still fills me with a bit of anxiety, fear of doing something wrong...so I strive to make the whole experience peaceful, reflective.

I begin by playing a CD of soft classical music, maybe Mozart. I do the prep and start the IV. Then I open my Book of Common Prayer and pray the daily office of Morning Prayer (5am), Evening Prayer (5pm), and Compline (11pm). My 11am "treatment" I read some reflective piece from the book, "I Have Called You Friends", essays on reconciliation written to honor the ministry of our newly retired Presiding Bishop, Frank Griswold.

I'm not sure what will come of this time, praying the daily office while injecting my body with antibiotics. Seems there must be some good metaphors in there....especially as we enter Advent, a time of waiting, anticipation, and hope for the new life given us in the Incarnation, God with us...This may be especially true since it is dark each of the three times I pray the offices; just as dark at 5am as it is at 5pm and 11pm.

Where is God in this dark time in my life? A time of illness. A time of worry about my little parish which soon will only be able to afford a part time priest. A time of worry about my need to maintain a full time job since my husband is rebuilding his career, post 9-11, and I bring in our only income. A time of worry as I try to prepare to interview for new positions while recovering from this intense illness...A time of worry over mounting debt, (launching our 18 year old into her passion for all things equine equal to a year of college tuition but on my credit cards instead of student loans...yikes), a time of worry over more debt from the hospital and doctor bills...

So I pray, "Lord, open our lips, and our mouths shall proclaim your praise." I pray this and trust that God is with me and somehow these dark days will pass.