RevGals Friday Five: Dark Night of the Soul, and I'll Lighten Up, soon, (really) (no really)

1.Have you experienced God's faithfulness at a difficult time? Tell as much or as little as you like... My childhood was difficult, an unstable mother, an alcoholic father, and a series of long distance moves that took me further away from my extended family. (No one to turn too)...All my life I have been a prayerful person. As a little girl I had on-going conversations with God about my life. And a real sense of God's abiding presence. A presence that calmed me, assured me, helped me to feel safe when my parents fought or finally divorced. I feel that God has been along side me guiding me to a better life. So, yes, often.



2. Have you experienced a dark night of the soul, if so what brought you through? My answer to question 1 begins to unpack why these last few years have been so difficult. After a life time of certainty of God I have found God to be very absent in my life. No. It is not that I can't see God, God has not been present. I have had to face that reality. Argue as you may that I have been blind, but that is not it. I have been doing some very deep intentional work, discerning where God is calling me, what God wants me to do, where my ministry is being called. And there is no sign of God in any of this. It's as if God has said, "Do what ever." And no sign of God working in my husband's life as he tries to rebuild a broken career. He is fed up, tired, discouraged. The church I serve has lost 25% of its members to death between 2003 and 2006, we literally were dying. My finances have tanked. After four years of one income (ah, mine) while trying to raise teenagers. This is a lament, indeed. 'cuz my life has sucked and where is God in all of this? How am I supposed to get up and preach the Good News?

But. I have plodded through. Kept going. The memory of God's presence is all I have. Occasionally that is enough. And now a little glimmer of hope is returning. I will be forever changed. I will never have that same safe sense of God's presence. I have been abandoned. I guess it happens. I guess I will eventually reflect back on this time and find something useful in it. A way to tap into it and help another. A way to say, God does leave, ask the mystics. Ask anyone who has traversed this faith journey long enough. God does leave.

but perhaps God is never really gone? Just very different. the mystery of it all. So. Those of you who read my blog know my reflections on this.

What is bringing me through? Boot-strap stamina. Get up each day and take that first step. And, I suspect, the prayers of others. And, certainly, the Revgals. No doubt.


3. Share a Bible verse, song, poem that has brought you comfort? I love Mozart's sonatas. And I love Indigo Girls and the Dixie Chicks, Long Way Home. I have found comfort and strength in the struggle these women sing about, and in their persistence and strength. Yeah. Music has given me hope.



4. Is "why suffering" a valid question? Sure. But there isn't always a sufficient answer. When I was going through the ordination process I had to read, twice, John McQuarrie's systematic theology, I think it's called, "Principles of Theology" or something like that. (It was 10 years ago). One of the things he says, in my words: "In the beginning there was God and there was this big swirling mass of chaos. God scooped into the chaos and brought forth order. Light and dark, night and day, heavens and earth, land and water, etc. But even as God brought forth order a random bit of that chaos come through as well. God named this chaos "free-will." It exists in nature and in humans, in all creation. It continues to have a randomness to it - hurricanes, tornado's, disease, etc. Chaos is "evil" because it goes against God's desire for created order. But it exists. And whenever chaos rears its ugliness God scoops in and brings forth order again. Somehow, someway.

Not a perfect answer. But then no systematic theology is able to completely answer the mystery of God, life, suffering. Systematic theology is just an attempt to give us something to hang on to.

One of the "ways" God uses chaos in our lives, the way God restores order, is to work through other humans who come to our aid. Another way of grace is for God to help us see with new eyes. TO gain perspective, wisdom, to grow and be transformed through our suffering. From suffering and death came the resurrection. It happens all the time. It just might take longer than "three days..."



5. And on a lighter note- you have reached the end of a dark and difficult time- how are you going to celebrate? No, not yet. But I think I am moving in that direction. Slowly. I don't have any plans to celebrate. Although I suppose I will rejoice in the day I feel hopeful and at peace. I will be grateful when my debt is paid down and I can breath again. I will be content when my family can have some fun and be less burdened by every day stuff. Life will just feel better, I imagine.



In the meantime. I get up everyday, exercise, go to work, care for my congregation, care for my family, walk my dogs, clean my house, and pretend that life is fine. Sooner or later it will be!

Comments

Di said…
I'm proud of you for trudging through, and praying that your load lightens soon.
Barbara B. said…
thank you, thank you for your honest post. I have some 'absence of God' issues and it is helpful to read your thoughts. I'm glad you are moving in a hopeful direction. I'll keep checking in...
your experience of absence is foreign to me... although i must say the rebuilding of husband's career & 'strains' that brings i can 100% relate to that my friend... it has dynamics that re tough and hit on so many personal levels.

so if i post something and sound like a dope cuz i've missed your point.... just tell me ya know?

but in the meantime... keep hangin' in. My daddy after college boyfriend's death (see my F5) well he said in fact, "honey life goes this way, pull yourself up by your bootstraps & keep putting one foot in front of the other." may you keep doing that... knowing we're all there to help push you along.
Mary Beth said…
They tell you in the 12 step rooms, Fake it till you make it.

That can only go so far.

But it's not a bad way to get thru the days.

love you.
revhipchick said…
you've written a very moving post. i too appreciate your honesty.

my childhood was filled with God's presence as well and when i struggle with that lack of presence i remember how blessed i have been to have experienced it even once. i also have faith that it will come back.

when i read that mother theresa had moments where she felt utterly abandoned by God, i took great courage from that. of all people, mother theresa abandoned by God, surely i can take some moments on my own. and yet, as an adult thus far i have been very lucky and not had many struggles to overcome. that makes it much easier to say the above.

you and yours are in my prayers. blessings on coming out of the darkness.
RevDrKate said…
Got me thinking about the line in Hebrews about faith being the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen...seems the getting up and going on every day in this absence is a powerful faith statment.
Rochelle said…
Mompriest,
I don't know if I ever have felt an absence of God, but certainly have questioned circumstances. I love the Indigo Girls too...and Barbara Brown Taylor's book "When God is Silent" is interesting. Prayer for you.
Rochelle said…
Mompriest,
I don't know if I ever have felt an absence of God, but certainly have questioned circumstances. I love the Indigo Girls too...and Barbara Brown Taylor's book "When God is Silent" is interesting. Prayer for you.
Terri said…
Thank you everyone. I so appreciate your understanding.

HCL - you never sound like a "dope"...thank you for your support!

hipchick, yeah.

revdrkate, yeah, that passage in Hebrews says it...and now it has an even deeper meaning for me.
Jan said…
Thank you so much for writing. I had a similar childhood, but am having an easier time right now. Prayers. You'll make it. Your family will, too.
Jan said…
I'm a "card" person and love to send cards to people. Send me your snail mail address, and I'll send you a card every so often. If you'd like that. . . .hiltjan@gmail.com
Deb said…
HUGS and major thanks from me -- because you have taken the time to encourage me to get on this roller coaster known as "The Pastor Express" inspite of your own troubles and trials...

deb
QuakerPastor said…
Thanks for your responses...I can relate to part of your journey.
Blessings and Peace to you as you
continue on.
Grace thing said…
Thanks, Mompriest. For your voice. For being yourself in the written word. For speaking your truth. God's in that somewhere. May the road rise to meet you.
Sally said…
Hmm, your childhood sounds scarily like mine, thank you for taking part this week.
Peace and blessings
Anonymous said…
Mompriest, I've had the same sense of God's absence for a while (actually, several whiles) but there always seem to be little things that remind me he's still around. Not that he's engaged, necessarily, but that he's watching from a distance. I hope you'll find these little things, too.

At least you've kept blogging through it all. I didn't have the energy, but I'm trying to get back into it now.

I don't know what I can say that would help, so I'll pray instead.
I am continually amazed at the depth of your writing and authenticity.
Lori said…
Ditto "ps".

I've been where you are. It is hideous. Boot strap stamina is an excellent thing. I always remembered a Katherine Hepburn quote that "the secret of life is to endure".

If your experience follows as mine did, you are going to find yourself coming to a place of profoundly wide vista. Perhaps not peaceful. But more settled and grounded. The joy is quieter. And the air is sweet. It's not lonely because everyone is there around you.

(((())))
Diane M. Roth said…
thank you for continuing your honest sharing...
Diane M. Roth said…
when you talk about the memory of god, it reminds me of a book I read long ago by Henri Nouwen called The Living Reminder. I'll have to crack it open again.
Unknown said…
mompriest, you are so brave and so honest. I love your determination. I believe God is there, despite being hard to see or hear right now.
Rev SS said…
Oh mompriest ... bless you! I too believe God is there ... I don't understand, and really hate what you're having to go through .. and I am so thankful that you are blogging and sharing honestly ... may you be encouraged by all the love and prayers of your RGBP community. ((((0))))
I loved your share. I spoke to God, too when I was a child. (I had an alcoholic father, too. Hmmm. "Please don't let my mother come home late from work and my father get really really mad." You get the point.)
Cathy said…
Just reading this - I echo what many wrote - such a candid, honest post. Hugs to you and prayers also.
Katherine E. said…
Your story is so compelling, mompriest. I, like so many others here, read your blog with such gratitude for your authenticity and prayers for your journey.

Popular posts from this blog

The Bleeding-heart: a poem by Mary Oliver

A Funeral Sermon: Healed by Love

Luke: A Mary Oliver Poem