Monday, February 22, 2010

Both Sides, Now




In the early 1970's, when I was in high school, I listened to Joni Mitchell. I loved her "Blue" album, in particular. Somewhere along the way, while in college I think, I drifted away from her and don't even have any of her music on my iPod. That is until I woke up with this song in my head.

I'm thinking that maybe I've rounded the bend as I move into my last few days in Arizona. Pointing my inner compass northeast,I'm trying to look at both sides. The side that contains all the hopes and dreams that brought me here, the side that holds my hopes and dreams for returning to Chicago, and the side that holds my hopes and dreams for the future.

More than both sides, I'm trying to see all sides...but mostly,through all the hopes and dreams, I'm trying to see through the illusions, to see clearly this time, or as clear as one can.

I'm also thinking about love. I'm thinking that my time here was like a love affair gone bad. No one knew, at it's inception, at the infatuation phase, that it would turn sour. But in reality most of my time here felt like a lover doing everything possible to please the loved, to no avail. Every effort was a misfire, a misstep, misinterpreted, misunderstood. Paths crossing at odds with one another. A love affair that failed.

It happens sometimes, that people are just not made for one another, regardless of the hopes and dreams. And so we have to let the relationship go, wish the other well.

Yesterday I told Back in the Saddle Church that I did not intend to fall in love with them. It was my last Sunday with them, and it was clear that we love each other. It just happened, a brief, unexpected delightful love. A healing and restorative love. They celebrated me and gifted me and wished me well. I celebrated them and thanked them and wished them well. A love that reminds me what it is when relationships work.

I've worked for five churches in my ministry and only one of them was a failed love affair. That gives me hope.

Both sides, all sides, now.

9 comments:

Rev Nancy Fitz said...

Lovely perspective. SOunds like healing is happening. Be blessed in your travels.

altar ego said...

Your love affair gone bad resonates so deeply with my love affair gone bad. When my affair went bad I was blindsided, and to this day still cannot piece together how it went bad. Petty minds. Petty hearts. Deeply hidden agendas, the only evidence of which is a barely discernible slight of hand that played to my end. There is life where I am now, and blessings have begun to unfold. Those blessings seem laced with healing and restoration.

I pray that for you, hope it for you. May your travels be safe and your landing lead to joy. I STILL want to send you something (I haven't forgotten that I told you I would, it's just that life, well, interrupts intentions sometimes), but I think I'd better wait until you're back in the Windy City.

Be well.

P-Squared said...

I don't envy the packing and all that has to take place in order to move--I am in the same boat at the moment and I remember how much I dislike it with every crunch of newspaper and bubble wrap. But, I do envy your return to Chicago. Oh, how I wish I was returning there, too---to friends, to passion, to a place where I knew where things stood and could fly. I do pray that it will be a place of healing and hope for you.

I appreciated your thoughts from Friday. Since this was my "first time out" on the love affair side, I am, understandably, shy about a "next date"

Be safe in your travels. I'll look forward to staying in touch.

Kievas said...

Safe journey back to Chicago, and I hope you will hang on to the good memories.

revhipchick said...

you are amazing!

one bad love affair is pretty good--still hurts and still sucks but enjoy the loving memories.

peace and blessings as you transition.

Hot Cup Lutheran said...

at long last some peace has arrived within...

Beach Walkin said...

I'm so glad you are getting the chance to celebrate and love. But even more... I'm rejoicing... that you have hope!!!!!!!!

revdrkate said...

So glad to hear the hope and the blessing BitSChurch and the love there gave you. Safe travels. It will be good to have you back in the Midwest.

Gabriele said...

Travel well and safely tomorrow. You and you husband and dogs and cats will be in my prayers. Will be thinking of you on your long journey.

I will with God's help....uncomplicating the complicated

I was baptized when I was nine years old. I have vivid memories of the baptism itself, of being terrified, as I was fully immersed three ti...