Gratitude Reflection Day 13

I am anxious. Deep inside my being resides an anxiety that resonates with every heart beat and breath. It's a chittery kind of feeling. And, it's not really from anything. I mean nothing really stirred it into being on this particular day. Except maybe hormones...the one's I thought were finally choosing to rest...but alas, no.

I woke after a chance to sleep a little later. My husband and I had breakfast together (bacon, eggs, pancakes, coffee). And then I rushed over to my friend's house. The pregnant with twins friend. Today was the day we were to meet the doula. At the birth of these twins will be me, another of the mom's friends, and the doula. So we were to meet and do some preparation. Only the doula was an hour late. She had a birth that ended early this morning. She tried to get some sleep, but overslept. And, I had to leave on time. So 45 minutes after the doula arrived I had to leave. And during those 45 minutes she had us watch a DVD on the birth process. I have given birth to two babies. Watching the DVD reminded me that something we never forget. Might have been better to use our time doing something else other than watching a DVD about which I already know. To the very core of being...I wanted to know how she, the doula, anticipated all of us being helpful. What would we do? She didn't really talk about that....So I still don't know why there will be three of us and what we will all do during the birth except perhaps get in each other's way....??? I've already decided that I do not need to be in charge of this delivery. I will help, even if that means sitting in the hall or just holding her hand and reminding her to breath.

So, the morning was a little frustrating - to have taken the time, when I have so little with my husband these days, and then not accomplish what we intended. Sigh. But life is like that. No one is at fault. It just is. Soon I have to go to the office to do a review and rehearsal for the confirmation tomorrow. In the meantime I am sipping a cup of tea (Tazo "Awake"), sitting in my study, cat on lap, a lovely CD of Christmas Adagio's playing. Light snow falling.

I just purchased the CD of Christmas Adagios. So this is my first time listening to it. And I picked up another book of Mary Oliver poetry. An older book, "Dream Work" from 1986. I have already done a quick read-through. Wonderful poems. Poems I will go back and re-read and savor. Here is one:

"Coming Home"

When we're driving, in the dark,
on the long road
to Provincetown, which lies empty
for miles, when we're weary,
when the buildings
and the wcrub pines lose
their familiar look,
I imagine us rising
from the speeding car,
I imagine us seeing
everything from another place - the top
of one of the pale dunes
or the deep and nameless
fields of the sea -
and what we see is the world
that cannot cherish us
but which we cherish,
and what we see is our life
moving like that,
along the dark edges
of everything - the headlights
like lanterns
sweeping the blackness -
believing in a thousand
fragile and unprovable things,
looking out for sorrow,
slowing down for happiness,
making all the right turns
right down to the thumping
barriers to the sea,
the swirling waves,
the narrow streets, the houses,
the past, the future,
the doorway that belongs
to you and to me.

Today, despite the unpredicable nature of life - hormones, birthing babies, snow - I am grateful for those things I can count on...a cup of tea, a book, good music, and a cat, which calm my spirit and restore my soul.