Heart Pain

Last night was one of those nights where I thought that everything as I knew it was coming to an end. I continue to be stunned at the amount of intense stuff that keeps hitting the fan in my life. And every bit of it is coming out of the blue and broadsiding me. I never even see it coming.

So after a sleepless night I went to the office to be the "Non-Anxious" presence. And, well, I can do that. I am trained to do that. I lead and guide and hold firm in a gentle and hopefully wise way. But every bit of everything I do feels about has hard as it can be. I trust it will pass.

After work today I went for a massage appointment. I am trying to have consistent massages, at least one every three weeks. I walked in and while talking to the therapist I started to weep. It really doesn't take much for me to cry, sob even. As soon as I open up the compartment, the one I stuff it in so I can be non-anxious and function, it all pours out. Anyway. I was clearly right where I needed to be.

This massage therapist is truly gifted. She took me to a place of such deep, profound relaxation that deep sighs were pouring out of me uncontrollably. At the end of the treatment she just held my head in one hand with the other on my sternum and breathed with me. Slowly. S.l.o.w.l.y....and I was transported to a deep place within me that just let go.

And then I remembered. For the first time in years. I remembered the feeling of deep deep relaxation, the kind that is directly connected to God.