Who am I in this story?

For the third time in three weeks I found myself engaged in a Bible study on this story:

Luke 15:1-3, 11b-32

All the tax collectors and sinners were coming near to listen to Jesus. And the Pharisees and the scribes were grumbling and saying, "This fellow welcomes sinners and eats with them."

So Jesus told them this parable:

"There was a man who had two sons. The younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of the property that will belong to me.' So he divided his property between them. A few days later the younger son gathered all he had and traveled to a distant country, and there he squandered his property in dissolute living. When he had spent everything, a severe famine took place throughout that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed the pigs. He would gladly have filled himself with the pods that the pigs were eating; and no one gave him anything. But when he came to himself he said, 'How many of my father's hired hands have bread enough and to spare, but here I am dying of hunger! I will get up and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me like one of your hired hands."' So he set off and went to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him. Then the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his slaves, 'Quickly, bring out a robe--the best one--and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. And get the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found!' And they began to celebrate.

"Now his elder son was in the field; and when he came and approached the house, he heard music and dancing. He called one of the slaves and asked what was going on. He replied, 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has got him back safe and sound.' Then he became angry and refused to go in. His father came out and began to plead with him. But he answered his father, 'Listen! For all these years I have been working like a slave for you, and I have never disobeyed your command; yet you have never given me even a young goat so that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came back, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fatted calf for him!' Then the father said to him, 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found.'"

A compelling question for me, this time around is: "Who am I in this story?" 

Am I the younger son who, acting very entitled, demands what he wants and then without thought, squanders it all away? He lacks insight into his actions and their consequences and impulsively moves from moment to moment. He has little regard for himself, his father, or anyone else. Even when he returns home, he is just hoping to get by just as he is. He makes no effort to reflect on his actions and the subsequent consequences. He has no intention of changing how he behaves nor to wonder what it would take to be more mature. Nor does he show any remorse for his behavior and how he has treated his father and other people. He just moves through life moment by moment without thought, without regard, without insight. 

There have been times in my life, especially when I was younger, when I acted like this. I was impulsive and made mistakes and thought I deserved more than I did, more than I had earned. During this time in my life I was terribly unhappy and sometimes ashamed of my behavior. To some degree I lacked the ability to manage myself and make better choices. I was motivated by yearnings that were not fully conscious in me, but revealed themselves in impulsive behavior. This eventually led me to therapy where I developed the capacity for introspection and self examination. I gained insight and learned to make better choices. Now I am not like the younger son, although I can identify with him because of the way I was when I was younger.  

Am I the older son, acting angry, entitled, jealous, and bitter? Am I that reactive? A person in this state lacks the capacity for insight, and for understanding what is causing the reactivity. Is the reaction actually the result of some injustice in the actual present day circumstances? Or, most likely, it is some wound from the past that has been triggered, and is causing a renewed sense of pain and hurt, masked by the current circumstance. Often the current event is also hurtful, but the intensity of of one’s reaction is above and beyond what the circumstance should have caused. Gaining insight into one’s self means being able to take a deep, honest  look at what is really causing the reactive anger and bitterness. In some cases it really could be the  father's failure to show he cares and to treat him well. Perhaps, though, it is the son's inability to see his own worth, his own strengths, his own gifts, and to embrace the love his father shows him because he is always comparing himself to someone else, including in this story, his younger brother. 

Or, am I like the father, who loves both his sons equally while at the same time allowing each son to be who they are. The father does not demand that they change nor that they adhere to some expectation of his. To the younger son he gives and lets him go, then receives him back. To the older son, he gives and tries to assure him of his worth when he feels jealous. The father accepts both as they are. The moral of the story is the hope that the sons will learn to be more like their father. The love he shows is a mature love. Why?

Well it’s mature because it is love that comes from a place of wholeness and peace, he is not anxious about the choices and behaviors of either of his sons. They just are. He does assure them of his love. And he goes about his life, living it as he sees fit. 

I’m looking at this story through the lens of the work I am doing with Faithwalking, a process of gaining emotional maturity and spiritual health in order to live a fully alive mission focused life grounded in the teachings of Jesus. 

Using some of the teachings of Murray Bowen’s Family Systems theory, and other teachings, Faithwalking has created a method for one to gain deeper self awareness. In the process one grows in one’s self-differentiation (a Family Systems term for becoming a more mature and healthy self). Faithwalking begins by enabling one to look deep into one’s life and reexamine the ways one was wounded and the ways one was lifted up. What happened? What hurt? Or, perhaps, what created a sense of worth but one that was not fully authentic because one grew up leaning too heavily into the identity of one’s worth as defined by others,  without forming real values and beliefs of one’s own? Maybe this is the perspective the younger son has, the “spoiled” son who is coddled and allowed to do what ever he pleases without consequences? Maybe this is the perspective of the older son, the “good” son? Faithwalking understands that there are events in our lives that form us. From these events we make meaning, which then defines how we feel about ourselves and others. Was one parent an authoritarian that was abusive and now all authority figures are suspect and threatening? Was one parent too permissive? Was one overly critical? Was one overly needy? Or did one receive praise in such a way that one continued to seek out the praise, being the “good” one in the family?

Here is the critical element in the Faithwalking process: the meaning one makes from life experiences, which defines how one lives,  resides inside of a person in unconscious ways. Because these meaning making events function unconsciously they cause one to react to current events as if the wound of the past was being ripped open, except we aren’t making the connections between the present and the past. One is just reacting to protect one’s self from another wound. Faithwalking calls this a “negative vow.” Something happened that hurt me, I made meaning from it, and now that vow informs how I behave. The process of taking a deep look into one’s self, with guidance of a coach, is the heart of Faithwalking. One does this by striving to live a reflective life, being part of an authentic community and aligning one’s life with the teachings of Jesus. 

Aligning one’s life with the teachings of Jesus  means that one is learning to live a missional life, fully alive and whole, as Jesus was. This is not about following rules. It is about understanding how Jesus reveals the love of God into the world and into the life of each person who seeks to live as a follower of Jesus. Jesus said that the greatest commandment was to love God, love self, and love others. 

One learns to live a life aligned with Jesus by engaging in reflection of self - what do I believe about myself, about God, what kind of a person do I want to be, and how do I want to show up and be in relationship with others? This is a life long process of internal reflection that leads to insight and growth. However, one cannot do this work alone, one needs to be part of an authentic community to do this, to be held accountable yet safe. 

Authentic communities allow one to be fully who one is, to be safe and respected, yet accountable too. Accountable to treat others with the same respect, the same sense of dignity, that one needs for one’s self. 

Who am I in this story? I have been all three persons. I am rarely the younger son anymore. I can still be the older son, jealous of others and angry because what I offer is not recognized and valued by others. Yet, I have gained enough insight that I aspire to be like the father - loving myself for who I am, fully aware of when I get triggered and (mostly) able to manage myself and gain insight when I am reactive before I act out. I strive to keep growing in self awareness and to become more whole, modeling my life on the teachings of Jesus. Jesus was whole within himself, he lived a principled life centered in his beliefs and values. And he sat with sinners and saints alike, loving each for who they were. I am trying to do the same, in a purposeful, mission focused way, loving God, loving myself, and loving my neighbor as myself. 

So, who are you in this story?