There are words inside....

There are words inside of me,

challenging, difficult words

emotional, reactive words

words that reveal my fear

words that rise up again

because I am confronted

with old emotions, long resolved - 

or so I thought - 

which need to be worked through

again.

What do I do with these words?

If I keep them inside will they fester?

If I say them out loud will they 

be heard as a hope to deepen understanding

and not just complaining or whining or

being the kind of person who keeps

bleeding out words of pain -

you know that kind of pain, 

over and over until we all 

wonder when that person 

will grow up and gain insight 

and maturity and maybe some

reconciliation.

Yeah. Those words.

And those feelings. 

Sure. I can hand the words 

over to God. 

I can do my part to be

fully aware of their impact on me,

the way that the words are honest

and real.

And the way that words are reactive

and immature and reveal work still

to be done.

What to do with these words?

I cannot say them out loud.

I cannot put them in writing,

at least not publicly.

The words themselves

are too risky, too vulnerable

connected to an old pain,

an old hurt, 

a place where that hurt

could be hurt again,

because the person

of this hurt

has the power to do that

to me, 

and so

the words and

a place inside

 that has been

reactivated. 

A place I thought I'd put behind me,

but has been ripped open again.

I can only put them into prayer.

These are words for God only.

With the hope that God

will transform these words

of fear and despair

into peace.

I have work to do,

which begins today, 

and will be work 

for years to come.

And only God can

help me with it.

Amen.